Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I've been struggling.

I doubt that most people would believe that, but I have. I feel so lost right now that I really can't explain it.

My family has been so blessed this year. I became a Physical Education teacher at a regional high school. My husband was elected to the city council. Our children are still enrolled in the Catholic School that rocks! We booked our first "real" vacation for this summer... can't say where cuz of little reading eyes, but guess. Yup!

We had to make some house repairs and because of these changes, we had the money to deal with it. I no longer have to work at night or the weekends so I get to spend more time with the kids, my friends and my hubby.

Ok... so why am I struggling?

I feel lost because although I think I'm at least pretty good at my current job, I miss being an Athletic Trainer. I miss being able to "teach". I know that sounds like an oximoron somehow... I become a teacher and feel like I teach less. It's just that it's different.

I can explain the importance of moving and exercising. I can explain the rules to a game and the basic fundamentals to make it happen. I can teach some modifications for different abilities, etc. BUT I still "know" so much more. I want to teach them injury prevention and nutrition. I want to explain that you didn't really "break" your finger because it popped.

I almost miss the stress.

I'm also struggling a little because we just finished an insane campaign for the city council. There was throat cutting and all that. I knew it would happen, but at one point the opponent even attacked ME! I'm not running for office. She said that I made a face and turned away.

I know most people think that doesn't sound like a big thing, but it is.

I am a professional. I have to deal with a LOT of people. A few that I do NOT like. A few that I do NOT get along with. A few that I down right HATE to deal with!!! BUT... I do NOT make faces. I might bite my tongue til it bleeds but seriously?? Don't try to break down my character.

I used to have all day to myself in between dropping off the kids at school and then heading to work after school. Now, well now... I have no time! I always have to do laundry. I always have to clean the house. I am always playing catch up!! How the hell do people do this???

So, I miss my job, I'm in the political lime light, my house is a freaking disaster and I just want to sleep... so what happens??

I gain 20lbs back. Can I cry now??

I am still more than 50lbs less than my most, but I am terrified and for some reason, I feel like I'm caught in a current and can't get my feet under me. This sucks.

So - this weekend, I am going to figure it out. I am going to think about what I am most thankful for. I am going to figure out what makes me happy. I am going to make a plan. I am going to start praying a little more and start reading over the bible again...

Happy Thanksgiving. Say a prayer for me. Ok

1 comment:

Marijanna and Shaun said...

Praying. I've had people speak about me so many times behind my back or in front of it (I sort of prefer this one) and say I've done things I haven't... stinks, huh? Makes you remember not to judge people.

I'm sorry you're struggling. If it helps... I still love you! And I think you're beautiful! And I have some major baby weight left to lose and ...probably won't get to finish that task till we're expecting again... NO NEWS... just sayin.

But I hear ya. The thinking of things to be grateful for thing? That helps. And the venting. And a little scream sometimes. You know my number. Feel free to call up screaming. I'll understand! xo